The Five Worst Things You Can Send in a Text, and What to Send Instead

1. “We need to talk.”

Sadistic. Namely because it’s become a cliché, so you’re not actually saying “We have to talk.” You’re saying “I’m going to tell you something big and scary and I want you to worry about it until I make the time to talk to you.” This is great when you have someone you want to torture, but most of the time your boring boyfriend doesn’t need torture so much as a hobby that’s not flag football.

If you want a less-torture option that still packs the same punch:

“Hey, can we grab a coffee? I’d like to have a chat.”

Says exactly the same thing, and that boring boyfriend will still know exactly what’s coming his way. But at least it feels like you put a little effort into it. And when you offer a coffee, you’re setting the meeting up on your turf and on top of that — hey, coffee.

2. “It’s fine.”

Everyone’s favorite. Yes, we all know it’s not fine. And in this case, we also know you want us to know it’s not fine. Putting a period at the end of this sentence brings you and your reader to a full stop; abrupt, abrasive. That means we’re all gonna know: you’re pissed.

If you’re not actively trying to punish someone, change the wording to:

“I’m alright— not great, but I’m handling it.”

Or even:

“I’m pissed rn, so I’m going to take a beat. I’ll reach out when I’m feeling better.”

Now if you were to end it with an exclamation point, it’s a totally different game. “It’s fine!” very clearly means that you are a woman in distress and denial, and your friends are about to be really worried about you and you won’t be able to understand why. It’s the little things that make the biggest changes.

3. “K.”

Just tell them to f**k off and save us all the trouble.

4. “Call me when you get a minute.”

Unless you’re a middle-aged father of three, you should never text anyone like this. Not only is it the most demanding message on this list, but it also makes you sound like your boomer boss when you’re on lunch break.

“Call me back when you get the chance!”

Or:

“lmk when you have a sec”

Either works, just don’t end them with a period; you’re starting to sound like your father.

5. “ [the paragraph] ”

Do not text someone an out-of-the-blue monologue. When in doubt, the rule is one more sentence than the longest text they’ve sent that day. Look through the texts that your boring boyfriend sent you that day, find the longest, and count the sentences. If he sent you two sentences, you get to send him three.

This is useful in good situations and bad, because A) you’re not bogging down a good conversation unnecessarily, and B) you don’t have to give anyone more energy than they’re giving you.

Now, if you’ve got something to say and someone worth saying it to— let it come from the heart. But remember what it looks like

to find someone worth saying all that to. A friend you want to shower with praise? Open up. That boring boyfriend you want to punish for doing something stupid? Maybe that’s not the paragraph you need to spend your time on.